How to Handle Winking

Winking in my generation has seemingly become something that lives solely in the world of digital communications. I send out tons of winking emoticons to clarify that I am expressing sarcasm, like:

And my friends (and coworkers) send me winking emails, texts, and instant messages back. But in real life, my age mates exclusively wink if they are flirting or making some sort of sexual advance. Even when flirting, live winks are still a dying art form. 

So you can understand that when I was at a new site, and my 64 year old client winked at me when he announced that I was on the teleconference line, I was totally thrown off of my game. Little did I know that that wink was only one of an avalanche of winks that would define my time there. 

The security guard winked at me when I had to take off my shoes for the metal detector, strangers winked at me after saying "Hello" as we passed each other in the hallway, co-workers winked at me when they teased me, and even bartenders after work winked at me when I sat down. One time two men I didn't know were walking in front of me poking fun at each other. After making a particularly sarcastic comment, one of them turned around to me and gave me a big wink. I didn't even know he knew I was there. I actually stopped walking for a split second because it knocked me so much off-kilter. 

I really didn't know what to do about it.

In fact, while I was in this town, I was winked at over five times a day. It was as if I'd stumbled across one of those Amazonian tribes who are so out of contact with the rest of the world that they have their own distinct culture where winking is still a thing. After having spent years in a wink-less world, this left me kind of stunned. Only men were winking at me, and the first few winks made me wonder if this behavior was some kind of very confusing and misplaced flirting from men older than my father. But I quickly realized that in this microcosm, men dole out winks for all sorts of non-flirting reasons- like just acknowledging that they see you.

The frequency of the winking still left me reaching for how I was expected to react. I mean, what am I supposed to do after a wink? Wink back? The last time I live winked at somebody was probably as a child, when my parents goaded me into an exaggerated wink for their entertainment. My winking muscles had atrophied from years of disuse, and any attempt at returning a wink looks more like a painful face spasm than anything else.

Or maybe I was just supposed to smile?  Or laugh? Or look very serious? Or maybe I was supposed to catch the wink like a kiss that's been blown to you and put it in my pocket? Whatever I was supposed to do I just ended up standing there mouth agape as I searched for the appropriate reaction, and I'm quite certain that was not it. 

I've settled now on the fact that I can just give a warm smile back to show that I have received a wink. But, I'm sure I'll forget that ten years from now, or whenever the next time it is that I stumble upon a high density winking area like that. 

Love, 

Vanessa

PS. When was the last time somebody winked at you?

How to Eat Like a Lady

I'm not the most graceful person, and I never claimed to be. You'd think that in a field filled with men, my less than dainty habits would be accepted at face value. But my occasional "unrefined" behavior seems to always seems to end up attracting more attention than intended- even at the lunch table. Take the following example:

SCENE: It is noon on a Wednesday and the fluorescent lights of the lunchroom are beating down on an odd conglomeration of people- mostly men. They range from youth fresh out of college, to card carrying AARP members. Some wear polo shirts, and others wear ties that slowly strangle them throughout the day. It's lunchtime and in their ravenous fervor, these men have all turned into children- devouring their lunches like Cookie Monster with little bits of sandwich flying like meaty shrapnel. They curse at each other and casually joke with their mouths' stuffed. 

I am silently observing the feasting, as I slowly eat my grapes. It is gross, and fascinating. Then, one fateful grape slipped out of my fingers and swiftly fell down my shirt. Of course I had managed to not only drop food, but drop it down my high cut shirt. The commotion stopped, and everyone became eerily quiet; somehow everyone managed to have seen my mishap. I froze, unable to figure out how to act. Do I retrieve the grape from down my shirt in the middle of a room filled with male coworkers as they watch?

You could feel the tension in the room as I lowered my eyes, reached for another grape in my Ziploc baggie, and continued to eat ignoring the cold grape in my shirt. One by one, people seemed to think they had tricked themselves in what they saw, and they resumed their normal behavior. Meanwhile I silently freaked out about the fact that there was still, in fact, a grape in my shirt.

As you can see, a simple slip up can cause a very awkward situation. So when eating with coworkers you should sit up, chew with your mouth closed, and don't drop things down your shirt. If you can manage that, then you'll make it out just fine.

Love,

Vanessa

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How to Act in a Women's Bathroom

I think we've all hear a bevy of stories about the unspoken rules of men's bathrooms: don't use the urinal next to someone else when there are other options,  look straight ahead,  etc. But what are the rules for public women's restrooms at work?

Honestly,  I had never even considered it until one of my coworkers tried to catch up with me in between her no-nonsense grunts from one of the stalls. Something about your acquaintance updating you on her kids' lives while she is taking a shit is a supremely uncomfortable situation. I kept trying to gracefully excuse myself from the situation,  but she just kept talking.

Since that fateful day, I've compiled a list of dos and don'ts for your average office restroom.

1) Keep your clothes on when not in a stall. I don't know why,  but one individual seems to like to zip and unzip her pants by the sinks instead of in the privacy of a stall. This makes everyone uncomfortable. There is no situation in which you will save time by unzipping your clothes before entering a stall and your office restroom is not a place for exhibitionists.

2) Do not engage in conversations where one or both parties are in a stall. I am aware that most of us do this when we are out at a bar with our bff, but when it's a coworker that you only sort of know,  it's weird.

3) Only use stalls with doors.  This isn't an episode of Orange is the New Black,  and nobody is comfortable enough with each other in an office situation to share that type of intimacy. I once worked in a place where one of the stall doors was stuck completely open,  and yet mysteriously every day the blue cleaner in the toilet would disappear by mid morning. I never caught the person using the toilet,  but I'm pretty sure I would have been scarred for life. Or at least the rest of the day.

4) Wash your hands. It's bad enough if you don't do it on your own time, but you should at least make an effort in front of somebody else.

5) Keep chatting time down to 5 minutes. It's true,  we all run into somebody in the restroom occasionally and catch up on company gossip. But even if you are low on work and wasting away your day,  your coworker may actually have things to do. And even if you are both wasting time, all of the men in the office will probably think you are menstruating if you spend 30 minutes chatting in secret, since that is the only reason they can  think of spending that much time in a bathroom.

Those five rules should help you from committing major a major faux pas. Do you have any other pet peeves for things people do in office bathrooms? Share them in the comments!

Love,

Vanessa