Grooming in The Office

This morning was like any other morning. I dropped my purse off in my cube, grabbed my coffee, and settled into my chair to start a new day. But as I was waiting for the updates on my computer to finish installing, I heard the unmistakable sound of somebody clipping his fingernails.

I'm not sure if this is just a personal pet peeve, but I don't understand how somebody who had the WHOLE WEEKEND to clip his nails in the privacy of his own home gets around to Monday morning in a cube farm and decides that this is finally the perfect time for nail clipping. And clearly there was some level of premeditation, because he brought the nail clippers with him to work. What happens if one of those nails comes flipping over the cube wall and splashes into my coffee like a small child doing a belly flop off of the high dive? 

Per Murphy's Law, this is bound to happen sometime

Unless you work in a salon, I feel like you should at least excuse yourself to the bathroom if you want to do any personal grooming. I typically go to the bathroom even if I am going to engage in much quieter grooming, like fixing my makeup after I thoughtlessly rub my eyes in exasperation that somebody is clipping his nails at work before 8 am.

I'm not sure about men's bathrooms, but I know that a few of the organizations I've been at actually have places for you to leave products like nail clippers, hair brushes, or whatever so you don't have to carry them in and out all the time. And there is nowhere to leave your stuff, you can always palm those nail clippers like a tampon and smuggle them in (yeah, that was an old school reference, bet you weren't expecting that!).

What I'm trying to say is: where there is a will there is a way. And if you are confused about what activities should be restricted to the bathroom at work or at home (not your cube), I've compiled this handy list:

• Relieve your bladder (I hope that was obvious to everyone, but just in case)
• Brush your hair
• Floss your teeth
• Clip your fingernails 
• Apply makeup
• Apply skin treatment creams (aka acne medication)
• Re-applying deodorant
• Practice Twerking

Do you have any other pet peeves of things people shouldn't be doing in their cubes?

Cheers, 

Vanessa

How to Act in a Women's Bathroom

I think we've all hear a bevy of stories about the unspoken rules of men's bathrooms: don't use the urinal next to someone else when there are other options,  look straight ahead,  etc. But what are the rules for public women's restrooms at work?

Honestly,  I had never even considered it until one of my coworkers tried to catch up with me in between her no-nonsense grunts from one of the stalls. Something about your acquaintance updating you on her kids' lives while she is taking a shit is a supremely uncomfortable situation. I kept trying to gracefully excuse myself from the situation,  but she just kept talking.

Since that fateful day, I've compiled a list of dos and don'ts for your average office restroom.

1) Keep your clothes on when not in a stall. I don't know why,  but one individual seems to like to zip and unzip her pants by the sinks instead of in the privacy of a stall. This makes everyone uncomfortable. There is no situation in which you will save time by unzipping your clothes before entering a stall and your office restroom is not a place for exhibitionists.

2) Do not engage in conversations where one or both parties are in a stall. I am aware that most of us do this when we are out at a bar with our bff, but when it's a coworker that you only sort of know,  it's weird.

3) Only use stalls with doors.  This isn't an episode of Orange is the New Black,  and nobody is comfortable enough with each other in an office situation to share that type of intimacy. I once worked in a place where one of the stall doors was stuck completely open,  and yet mysteriously every day the blue cleaner in the toilet would disappear by mid morning. I never caught the person using the toilet,  but I'm pretty sure I would have been scarred for life. Or at least the rest of the day.

4) Wash your hands. It's bad enough if you don't do it on your own time, but you should at least make an effort in front of somebody else.

5) Keep chatting time down to 5 minutes. It's true,  we all run into somebody in the restroom occasionally and catch up on company gossip. But even if you are low on work and wasting away your day,  your coworker may actually have things to do. And even if you are both wasting time, all of the men in the office will probably think you are menstruating if you spend 30 minutes chatting in secret, since that is the only reason they can  think of spending that much time in a bathroom.

Those five rules should help you from committing major a major faux pas. Do you have any other pet peeves for things people do in office bathrooms? Share them in the comments!

Love,

Vanessa

How To Not Get Hep A from Coworkers

WARNING: This article is not for the squeamish.

So, you work with a lot of men. Well sister, I've got an unpleasant realization for you: a lot of those guys do not wash their hands. According to a 2009 study by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine only 31% of dudes wash their hands after using a public bathroom. My private research shows it is a little closer to 60%, which is still disgustingly low.

But Vanessa, how do you know how many men wash their hands? I'll tell you. I have a coworker who loves to complain, and who as over time compiled a list for me of all of the men who don't wash their hands at work. Given, a single violation puts you on the "filthy" list for good- so this doesn't account for the casual hand washer who sometimes just is too busy to follow through and clean the feces off of his hands.

But it shouldn't account for the casual hand washer. Because that is gross.

Now, think of knowing that all these people don't ever wash their hands and then having to shake their hands, and share pens, pencils, calculators, tools and computers with them. Some of the more extreme offenders apparently even bring business papers and business calls into the stall with them. Gross. I strongly suspect this is why people in workplaces tend to get sick so often.

Is it just me, or does the context make this photo seem super gross?

At this point, I know the mysophobes among you are wishing you could rock one of these babies to work:

Germs be gone!

Alas, it simply does not comply to business casual standards.

BUT ALL HOPE IS NOT LOST. Just get a giant bottle of Purell. And if you know somebody doesn't wash his hands (because I've honestly never seen a girl leave a bathroom without washing her hands), then douse everything in sanitizer when they leave. Try to do this as quickly and quietly as possible, as people tend to get easily offended when they realize you think you are going contract a disease from them.

You may now live a happy, healthy, Hep A free life.

Love,

Vanessa

How To Deal With Feminine Supplies

As a young woman you either have to deal with a messy painful period every month, or you spent your childhood as a boy. And unfortunately, there is no way to sync this monthly occurrence to avoid important client meetings, project deadlines, or any other work expectations. So instead, you learn how to palm tampons like Houdini as you book it to the nearest bathroom.

However, sometimes the plan to smuggle tampons to the bathroom falls through. For example, one day I had left my backup tampon supply in my car. My office mates tend to open each others' drawers searching for papers for various projects, and I couldn’t bear the thought of them finding boxes of feminine hygiene products.  As a result, at that moment I was utterly and completely dependent on the public bathroom supply. They may not be the highest quality, but they can normally hold you off long enough to get your own stuff.

I rushed into the bathroom between a conference call and a client meeting, slipped my change into the cold metal machine, and turned the crank. There was a solid thud in the machine, and to my horror I saw the largest pad box I’ve seen in my entire life. I figured it was just a poor packaging job, but when I opened the box, it was stuffed with the Argentinosaurus of pads (look it up, this dinosaur weighed over 100 Tons). I’m pretty sure they haven’t changed the supply since the last woman they hired was menstruating in the 1970s.

Don’t believe me? Here it is:

SUPER comfortable (not).

Yeah. It’s a monster. Literally over nine times the size of my regular pad. So large, in fact, that  when you put it on, you can actually see the outline of the pad in business casual work pants. It brings a whole new, and even more socially unacceptable meaning to VPL (visible pad line). Needless to say, I had to go out to my car and get something different because I couldn’t find a way to walk without looking like I was wearing Depends that needed to be changed.

My solution to avoid this situation at all costs in the future: hide tampons in the bathroom. Especially if you can count the number of female co-workers on one hand- this is a totally acceptable method that prevents you from having to palm supplies to the bathroom, or keep tampons by your TI-83. They have to be hidden because having boxes of tampons hanging around is widely considered "unprofessional" when you have clients visit. While I don't know what woman walks into a bathroom and is offended by the idea of freely accessible feminine hygiene products, I accept it and move the stash out of sight.

My favorite place to hide tampons and pads is under sinks. A lot of office buildings have little overhangs under the sink which are the perfect size for stashing a box of supplies. Yes, this means that you occasionally have an awkward moment when another female coworker spots you grasping under the sink. But once they realize the genius plan you have derived, you may find some sister tampon boxes next to your stash the following day.

Love,

Vanessa