Monday, May 13, 2013

How to Do Bitchwork Without Falling Asleep


In a perfect world, your job would only be using your engineering degree and your brilliant mind to create new solutions to unique problems. But in the real world there is a lot of paperwork that goes along with solving problems. As the junior employee on the team, chances are the bitch work is going to you (unless you find an intern or a co-op to do it for you).

I made it through all of grade school and college without dozing off in class, but one of my first work assignments was literally so boring that I began to feel myself falling asleep at my desk. This is unprofessional at best, and being a Type A personality - I knew I had to do something about it. Therefore, I derived several methods for how to stay awake when you are assigned to do bitchwork.

The “I didn’t graduate college so long ago” method: Drink a cold, caffeinated beverage. If you’ve been in the workforce for more than two years, the caffeine loses its potency- and you end up still sleeping at your desk.

The “give boredom the run around” method: Run up and down the stairs in your office building every 20 minutes. It is awkward because you may come out huffing and puffing, but at least you’ll be awake. Tip: Don’t do this if you are dating somebody at work, people will get the wrong idea.

The “eat your way to energy” method: Periodically eat throughout the day. The activity of eating will help you focus and give you the energy to power through the pile of . WARNING: This method may not be employed without “the run around” method for prolonged periods of time without causing obesity.

The Mary Poppins method: As Mary Poppins says “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.” Mary Poppins is a total beast, so you should take her advice and make your work more entertaining by assigning meaning to boring words. For example when reading hundreds of pages about fire seals you can either take that to mean sealant materials that are fireproof on boats, buildings, planes, and equipment and fall asleep around page 247, OR you can take the much more exciting alternative meaning of magical mutant fiery seals:


Level 1 Fire Seal
Level 10 Fire Seal

SUDDENLY everything becomes more entertaining. See how well that works? And as long as you continue to give your magical imaginary creatures the same requirements as the physical systems you are engineering, then it will also lead to a more accurate product. Make sure to never tell people this is what you are thinking while you are working, or else you may end up with an imaginary job. Be cautious about smiling too much while you do this because your coworkers will either think that you have gone off the deep end, or that you genuinely enjoy bitchwork and give you even more.

Unfortunately, this method doesn’t work for copying and pasting text, data input, and other menial tasks. But that, my friends, is what interns are for.

Love,

Vanessa

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