Monday, September 2, 2013

How to Eat Like a Lady

I'm not the most graceful person, and I never claimed to be. You'd think that in a field filled with men, my less than dainty habits would be accepted at face value. But my occasional "unrefined" behavior seems to always seems to end up attracting more attention than intended- even at the lunch table. Take the following example:

SCENE: It is noon on a Wednesday and the fluorescent lights of the lunchroom are beating down on an odd conglomeration of people- mostly men. They range from youth fresh out of college, to card carrying AARP members. Some wear polo shirts, and others wear ties that slowly strangle them throughout the day. It's lunchtime and in their ravenous fervor, these men have all turned into children- devouring their lunches like Cookie Monster with little bits of sandwich flying like meaty shrapnel. They curse at each other and casually joke with their mouths' stuffed. 

I am silently observing the feasting, as I slowly eat my grapes. It is gross, and fascinating. Then, one fateful grape slipped out of my fingers and swiftly fell down my shirt. Of course I had managed to not only drop food, but drop it down my high cut shirt. The commotion stopped, and everyone became eerily quiet; somehow everyone managed to have seen my mishap. I froze, unable to figure out how to act. Do I retrieve the grape from down my shirt in the middle of a room filled with male coworkers as they watch?

You could feel the tension in the room as I lowered my eyes, reached for another grape in my Ziploc baggie, and continued to eat ignoring the cold grape in my shirt. One by one, people seemed to think they had tricked themselves in what they saw, and they resumed their normal behavior. Meanwhile I silently freaked out about the fact that there was still, in fact, a grape in my shirt.
As you can see, a simple slip up can cause a very awkward situation. So when eating with coworkers you should sit up, chew with your mouth closed, and don't drop things down your shirt. If you can manage that, then you'll make it out just fine.



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